What Should I Write In My Dating Profile?

Here’s what I’d say if I truly spoke my mind

I’m the type of girl who fears a splinter will make its way through my blood just to pierce my heart. I’m also the type of person who recognizes how ridiculous this is. I’m a balanced type of crazy — I own a lot of my ish — but I’ll never be ok with a man referring to me as such. It’s on the level of disrespect with calling me a b — and asserting I must have low self-esteem or be hormonal when I address something that bothers me or pisses me off. Oh, and please don’t call me a white girl.

I hate small talk. I’m already nervous that you’ll see right through my facade in my profile pics. They’re all recent photos, of course, but so much can happen to a girl’s confidence on the way from her bathroom mirror to the bar/park/place we’re meeting. I need to focus on something more substantial than whether you watch The Office on repeat. That’s not a personality trait, and tbh, I don’t care. I’d rather know what kind of foreplay you like, or if you like any at all so I can calculate the appropriate time to bail. I don’t need a collection of data points about your favorites. The algorithms already interfered enough, and none of that tells me what I need to know about your heart and who you are at your core.

I don’t want to go back and forth in text before we decide to meet up. I don’t want to multitask between you and three other guys who are also multitasking with three other girls or guys. I want to hear your laugh, engage with the cadence and snark in your voice. I want answers in real time, not minutes/hours/days/WEEKS! after you’ve had time to think or got bored. I don’t want all your time, but I do need a portion so I can know whether or not I’m wasting mine.

In theory, I want to be married, but that doesn’t mean I wanna get married to you.

Please r e l a x.

Signed, A woman who sometimes behaves badly but is very much deserving of love. 😘